Friends

I have recently made a decision that I need to put myself out there and make friends.  I moved into a new congregation/ward and found I no longer have the safety net provided by previous friends.  I found people that I want to get to know better - but I'm kind of an intense person.  Right!?!?

I love getting the 411 on the new person or seeing how people respond to various political views or news stories.  But I wonder if I might be the odd person?  People don't ask my opinion on things they usually will just answer my question or just say it doesn't matter and the conversation is over. 

For example, tonight I mentioned to a cast member that I heard he loves rock climbing.  I told him my roommate and I were talking about how we had been before and that I loved rock climbing shoes.  I felt I was providing him a way to talk about something he liked doing and all he said was, "Yep, I can't wait for the weather to warm up."  Done.  Walked away....  I felt like a fool at attempting to make a new friend. 

But, I'm not going to give up on learning how to make friends again.  I have been digging back to my elementary school days to see if there was something taught as a child that would make this easy.  But I don't think playing with Barbies, drawing pictures or kissing tag is really the way to handle things as an adult.  I mean, come on, I would have a few red flags raised if someone played with Barbies!  I tried my hand at various types of drawing, but I feel I'm just a little too abstract and people won't understand what I am trying to show.  (Right Andrew and Erin!?) 

But, kissing tag....  Hmmm.....  I might actually get somewhere with that one.  ;) 

This is a little list of things I am actually afraid I will do or people will think after meeting me:

a)  Look like a girl who doesn't know what she is talking about
b)  Display my endless supply of useless knowledge
c)  Think my love of numbers and my ten-key calculator as odd (well, yeah, they are odd...)
d)  Attempt to use a big girl word (like ambiguous - ha!) in a sentence and not in the right way
e)  Randomly burst into song and sing about whatever I'm doing
f)  Admit to just how much television I watch
g)  Teased for how I say certain words

I have a ton more, but who wants to see a list of a person's insecurities....

So, wish me luck as I head off to meet more people!  Here's to hoping a few may want to stick around and the group of friends will be up and running again! 


Please note:  This post isn't to make anyone feel bad for me.  I am just recognizing one of the many times I will have to start up and make friends all over again.  It's a good thing, just not an easy one!

Savior of the World

I am participating in a church production of the musical, "Savior of the World." 

I have always loved plays, but particularly I have always loved musicals.  I love singing and acting and really just having fun - so I decided to try out for the play.  The website for the information about dates and times can be found here:  www.sotwdc.com.

It is the first time I've actually performed in a play, as I don't count the mini plays for young women, girl's camp and various school activities.  It has been a lot of hard work and I am excited to get my Saturday and Sunday evenings back!  But tonight as I was watching everything coming together, I turned my focus on the words of the play and not so much on where and when I was standing or singing.

Before practice begins we start by having a mini devotional where cast members talk about how they have felt playing the various parts.  In doing so, it made me reflect on how my testimony has grown throughout the play.  I play an angel and at one point I am part of the angry crowd in the denial scene.  While playing the angel (when not being scared of falling off the scaffolding), my mind has wandered to thoughts of where I was in heaven when this was going on.  I hope that I was there, with my other brothers and sisters, feeling the pain and also the immense joy through the life of the Savior. 

There is a song in the musical called, "Who'll Deliver Him."  This song is sung in the denial scene where I am part of the mean/angry crowd.  We mock and tease the Believers for what they believe and who they believe in.  On the drive home tonight, that scene played over and over in my mind.  I have been there, I have played the mean girl in life.  I like to think I have changed, but every so often when I am getting caught up in the gossip at work, or the stress of trying to fit in, I find the ease of becoming mean catches up with me.  I have spent time away from church, weak in my testimony, trying to figure out what I believed in.  Time and personal experiences have made me realize that in the church is where I not only need, but want to be!  I can become a better person, and that it is okay that I am not perfect as long as I am trying to be better. 

Tonight, I really felt the message and the spirit of what we want to express in this production.  I was moved to tears when the actor portraying the Savior spoke to the disciples and said, "Peace be unto you."  I felt that he was saying those words directly to me.  Every day, I ask for forgiveness for not being the best and also ask for the strength and courage to be better. 

This musical is normally played around Christmas time in Utah, and for my friends there I encourage you to go.  For my friends here on the East Coast, come to this show.  Come and listen to inspired words and music proclaiming the love our Savior has for us.  Because that of all things is something I know and believe with all of my heart, our Savior lives and loves us individually even with all our faults.   

Become Informed...

Very rarely, will I share my feelings on politics in an open place with people that a) aren't family, b) aren't family and c) aren't family. 

But I couldn't keep my blog silent tonight.  The past few days, although it seems like years, I have been seeing post after post about the government and Obamacare wrecking our innocent lives.  I have seen posts on Facebook from friends that are saying how scared they are because of all these changes to insurance and increases in their taxes and also how secret government people are going to come to your house and do "home inspections" and etc., etc., blah, blah, blah....  The list goes on and on and on....

For example, I saw a friend post this article and state that she is nauseous over it.  I, of course, thought that in all of my reading and following different things happening here in D.C. I never heard this come up in any discussion on Obamacare and that definitely caused me to really question if that was true.  So, I did research.  Quick little search on Google pulled up an immediate response on Snopes that said the article was false.  And honestly, do you really think that something like random home health visits to people just because they smoke or are young parents would slip by unnoticed and not one person in the entire nation would pick up on that or say anything?  No...  If you said yes - shame on you! 
Just because we vote to place representatives in both State and Federal positions - doesn't mean we just cross our fingers and hope they do what they say they are going to do when we cast our vote.  AFTER the elections, it is as much our job to follow, educate ourselves and understand what is happening on both the state and federal level each day, as it is the representatives job to make sure that the needs of their state are being addressed.  

People hear the word "government" and think of it as a body of one.  Not as it actually is - hundreds of people...  People are the mouthpiece for their city, county, state, nation.  We mainly hear about the corrupt politicians on the news and I know they are there, but there are also good ones that are behind the scenes doing everything they can to make a difference.  I truly believe that every vote counts and if a person doesn't vote because they don't think their vote will matter - they have no right to complain if they don't like the way things are being handled.

I am tired of people just seeing something posted on Facebook or a website that isn't credible and believe it as truth.  We have the right to question, do research, write letters, create petitions, email, and/or call our representatives!  So, go and get informed!  Don't just sit back and see how it the new tax laws or health insurance premiums are going to affect you and your family!  Figure it out the old fashioned way with a pen, paper and calculator!  Stop being sheep and start asking questions, do the research and then if you want go ahead and state your opinions.  Because then and only then - will I tolerate your ramblings and opinions. 

Posting from under my rock

Ugh!  Today, I literally had to leave church because I am pretty sure I became the person that people talk about when they reflect on crazies in the ward.  I was responding to a simple question in church and my brain froze, my emotions surfaced and it was a train wreck!

I won't go into any further explanations, but I really wish I could erase that entire class period.  Or have a little Men in Black flasher that would make people forget what they heard and saw.  It was embarrassing!

So, I plan on staying under my rock for a while.    

Confused.....

In talking with a friend recently, our conversation turned to dating, as usual, and how hard it seems to be nowadays.  We talked about hanging out vs. single dates and how we have heard that there is pressure if a guy asks a girl out.  

I have thought this often and have talked with girls until I feel like we are having the same conversations over and over again.  I have asked guys on dates not because they were the “one” but because I wanted to get to know them better and have their attention for longer than 15 minutes.  I have also asked guys on hanging out dates because I didn’t know how a single date would go so felt like I needed the reinforcements.

I wish I could go back to the day when a guy could simply (and would actually) ask a girl on a date, simply to do something.  It wasn’t because they wanted to seriously date you, marry you, or even have a one night make out session aka NCMO…  those were fun though….  (uh, sorry Mom).    

I was thinking about how I have shown interest in guys in the past and that was terrible for me, I became more of a sugar mama then someone that they would want to date.  Great for them, not for me or my pockets.  I typically liked guys that were still in school and felt bad that I had a “real” job and they didn’t.  I didn’t want them to feel like I needed to go to fancy places, but that is exactly what I did with them.  I can honestly say that dating is not easy, but that it is something that should be practiced regularly.  This is something I think is very important to continue even after finding your future spouse and getting married!  

The last guy I dated that I felt treated me the way a girl should be treated was 14 years ago.  I would love to change that number!    

What is it now that makes dating so scary?  Why is it that I feel like there is a better chance of my meeting someone who will actually want to get to know me in a virtual world than in the real world?  There are plenty of men around me that I find attractive and that I would like to have the opportunity to get to know better, but they only seem to flock around five girls in my church.  What is it about them??  

I sometimes blame my being older and more cynical, but then I realize everyone has their faults.  I try hard to look past those of others, so why can’t they look past mine?  I haven’t been asked out on a date in almost a year and I felt that was more of a pity date than anything else, which still was fun for me. 

 

Also, I have that girl that was asked on a date and things went well, at least I thought, continued to see the person after and do things together.  Embarrassingly enough, I will admit I thought that was the beginning of a relationship and when I was informed that I was wrong, they couldn’t understand why I would feel that way.  Completely making me feel like an idiot and kind of hurt for being confused on the situation between us. 

So, what is it about dating these days that makes it hard for guys to realize that sometimes a girl just wants a date and not a relationship??  Or that there needs to be clarification - that if you go out just the two of you, multiple times a week/month, exactly what his/her intentions are in the relationship. 

Someone please explain this to me…  because I am totally confused…. 

Some people just make a difference…

The other day I read a post my aunt wrote on Facebook about needing to see blogs updated!  So, I knew that I had to start working on and actually finishing the posts I started a while ago.  But then something else came to mind – my aunt. 

I thought more and more about the impact her and her family made on my life and it is just amazing! 

Growing up, Aunt Pam was literally a second mother to me.  She lived in the house behind my parents and I am pretty sure I spent a lot of time over there, even if she really wanted me to go home.  She was also great at giving me motherly guilt trips and making me apologize to her son Cody when I hit him with the shovel for making me angry.  Still don’t know if I agree with my being the one to apologize for that or not!!  Just kidding……..  almost…… ha ha!   J

Aunt Pam was there for all of the milestones I have reached so far in my life:  birth, baptism, graduation, receiving my endowments (she was my escort), hitting the big 30 – well, actually hitting 29 forever.  Did you know we are the same age now??  It is awesome! 

Thanks for wanting to be a part of my family.  I talk with friends who aren’t fortunate enough to have the relationship my siblings and I have with our aunt.  That makes me sad, because I have learned so much from her over the years! 

I’ll never forget how lucky I was when I went to the hospital and she and Uncle Ken were here to help Erin transition back to work after her first was born and I ended up needing the most help.  I felt terrible that happened, but so grateful that while my mother was trying to get there, I had her! 

She has been there to help my mother through the tough times she has had with me either being stubborn or too emotional (I get that from my dad), or when sad things surface that she needs help dealing with them.  For that I am very grateful!

 

Also, thanks again for making such an awesome birthday cake!!  I don’t know if I will marry before you retire your wedding cake gift – but at least I got one without having to drag a man to the altar!!  Shows that I just might be your favorite niece, right!?!?

I know that if a major disaster hits I am supposed to make my way to Aunt Pam’s house no matter where I happen to be living.  Why?  Well, because between her and Uncle Ken, they have enough food storage to feed the entire state of Utah.  Then there is the fact that she also has toilet seats for 5-gallon buckets – should that need ever arise I would be one happy survivor if I had those! 

Aunt Pam, thank you!  Thanks for being such a great second mom.  For telling me when I was in the wrong but also for sharing in the joy when I did things right.  Thanks for making me a better niece and daughter.  Thanks for being a great sister to my mother – the Lord knew what he was doing when he put you two together! 

 

 

Boston Marathon

For almost a week now, I have tried to handle my emotions and figure out how I wanted to explain what I experienced.  My friends are awesome writers and you can read their experiences here:  Andy's Experience and Rachel's Experience.  Rachel even wrote this song that is very touching and beautiful, "Be Strong."

I got up at 5ish on Monday morning to wish Lindy good luck on her run and to finalize when we were going to see her to cheer her on.  I was so excited and a little teary-eyed because I know how big this race is and I was so proud.  I climbed back on the couch and fell back asleep. 

I woke up later to get ready and also make Lindy's signs.  Rachel, her roommate Chelsee, her friend Jacob, Andy and myself made the trek to the halfway point to cheer Lindy on!  On the drive over I could see a section of road above the freeway where the runners crossed - it was so beautiful I teared up a little bit. 

I was shocked to see how the entire town shut down and cheered as the runners went by - kids, families, friends, stores completely shut down and cheered.  Some runners had their names on their shirts, legs or arms and I cheered for everyone that I could by name!  I hoped that if someone saw Lindy's name on her leg that they would cheer her on for me and all of her friends both in Boston and back at home.  Sadly, even though we received the text saying Lindy had passed the halfway mark, we missed her in the sea of runners.  I was so sad that I wasn't able to personally cheer her on at that point and told myself that I wasn't going to miss her passing the finish line.

Rachel expertly and very quickly drove back to her apartment where we jumped on the T and headed to the finish line.  Once we got off at our stop it pretty much felt like we were cattle.  I quickly lost sight of everyone and joked with the guy in front of me about how "close" we were getting.  I apologized for constantly being pushed into him and he joked about how we were now practically family.  It was funny and helped lighten my panic as I kept thinking in my mind that if anything were to happen I was scared of being trampled.  Little did I know that those fears would become real. 

We got the text message that Lindy passed the finish line, so again we missed her as we were swimming against people trying to make our way down.  We decided to cut down this little alley shortly before the finish line to see if we could meet Lindy at the family meet up area.  I was hoping to go back there as I wanted to see the runners cross over and give a cheer for them since I missed Lindy's big finale! 

We met up with Lindy, she found us actually when we held up her signs to see if that would help her find us, which worked!  :) 

The look on Geno's face when he saw Lindy was priceless!  He was so proud and you could tell!  It made me cry.  And it was around that moment that I remember hearing the first bomb go off.  Honestly, I immediately thought it was a bomb but then knowing that I always jump to the worst in a situation, my next thought was that the scaffolding above the finish line fell which really wasn't any better.  A few seconds later I heard the second bomb and knew that something was seriously wrong.  People were trying to figure it out in our group - construction?  low flying plane?  I entertained those thoughts because I wanted to believe it was that, but knew something was terribly wrong and it was all I could do to stand there and listen.  I wanted to run, and I am not a runner, but I wanted to get out of that area as soon as possible.  We started slowly walking further away from the area as sirens, police, people started yelling and then it was confirmed that there was an explosion at the finish line. 

I went into shock then... 

I heard people around me talking and telling me what to do, but I don't remember if I responded.  All I thought of is how we needed to leave the area and get those I loved away from the danger.  Because I didn't know if this was going to stop or more bombs were going to go off...  and I couldn't let anyone hurt my friends or family because if I wasn't killed in a blast that killed anyone of our group, I wouldn't be okay.

Rachel's roommate Chelsee was a godsend, she knew the transportation system well and got us out of the area as quickly as she could.  I couldn't get calls to go out but was getting text messages here and there so I sent Erin a text to call mom and tell her we were all okay,  We did end up walking the last mile and I only remember crying a couple of times.  Not wanting my friends to see that I was in shock, because I didn't want them to worry about me or think of me as weak I kept quiet.  I was grateful that we made a new friend, Andrew, who had just moved to Boston and needed help navigating the town as he and Lindy had very similar interests and they talked nonstop.  I was glad because I am pretty sure I would have lost it if she started trying to talk with me.

We finally made it to Rachel's and Andy started pulling up the news reports to see what happened.  It was confirmed that there were two bombs and a possible third at the library.  I didn't know where that was in relation to the house, but to me it felt like it was next door.  I was finally able to get a call to my mom and spent the next few minutes not even being able to breathe because I was crying to hard.  I was scared, people had died, at that point they didn't know who did this and if there were more bombs. 

Lindy, Andy and I flew home the next day - the airport was full of runners, supporters trying to make their way home and also security.  We boarded our flight and while we were waiting to taxi to the runway, there were sirens and firetrucks going by.  The pilot got on and started to explain the situation and I felt myself going into shock again.  There was an unexplained fire on an airplane and all I could think about was that the terrorist got past airport security and no place was safe. 

I came back to DC and found that I couldn't sleep - sirens, garbage trucks, really anything would set off a wave of panic attacks and I didn't feel safe.  I went to Erin's house and they welcomed me and it is easy to relax with kids there to occupy your mind.  I also watched with them as we found out who set off the bombs and watched as the final individual was in custody. 

That night I cried again when everyone had gone to bed, I cried in gratitude for how quickly these two were caught.  I cried because he is so young and I want to know why they would do that.  I cried because people are right it was scary, but Boston and our nation are strong.  We rallied and helped in every way we could...  and I cried because I am so grateful to be a part of a nation like this. 

I found out that I will heal, it will take time, but I will be able to hear sirens again and not feel my pulse race, break out in a sweat and continue to breathe.  Because I, like Boston, choose to be strong.