Vulnerable

The other day I went to lunch with a friend. We had the normal little chitchat that one experiences during a normal day-to-day interaction. Which was nice!

We had talked about a previous fireside that we both attended the night before and I mentioned that someone had made a statement I didn’t quite agree with. I then proceeded to do one of the hardest things… I opened up. I made myself a little bit more vulnerable to another person. I am sure that my face was bright red during the entire time I shared my view point and expressed what I felt – because my face likes to show when I am embarrassed. I am also positive that I stammered and struggled to find words to explain what I was trying to say.

Then there was the extremely LONG pause to see how the person is going to react to what you just said. My heart was pounding in my throat and I am pretty sure that my palms were clammy! I am not the kind of person that opens up easily to others (which has been a problem in the past), but I am learning. The friend didn’t stand up and decide to leave because of what I said and they didn’t laugh or tell me that I was lying. Which was a major fear of mine. Instead my friend looked at me…

and I felt accepted.

"On a scale of One to Ten.....

You are a three." Ouch!

Those are some of the most painful words I have ever had someone say to me. And this someone happened to be my "boyfriend" at the time.

Coming from a family of six girls, I always felt like I was the bottom of the totem pole in beauty. My sister's are beautiful, their make-up is always perfect, and the boys literally ran after them! So, having someone say that to me was just twisting the dagger deeper into my already bleeding heart.

But in talking with Erin and Drew, they asked me to look at myself and see if I was happy with being me. I have thought LONG and HARD about that and have arrived at the following solution.

I like me. I like that I have a background of growing up in Tridell, family of 10 kids, some musical talent. I found that I have a sense of humor, it came much later in life, but it is here. I am smart, yes I am still working on a piece of paper to prove it, but I have a knack for numbers. I have a kind heart, I don't like seeing people excluded or not see their full potential.

So, I do like me. I see things in myself that put me above a "three" - maybe not in the beauty category, but in the inner beauty. Really in the end, I know that there is someone out there that will see me the way I have always wanted to be seen on the outside. If not here and now, then that's okay. For now, I am good just the way I am.